How Not To Let Turkeys Cause Traffic Jams

I moved to Wyoming about 16 years ago, and in that time have gotten stuck behind people waiting for turkeys to cross the road.

I better explain that.

I'm in my car, and the car in front of me has stopped because a damn herd of turkeys decided to cross the road.

The line of traffic grows, and we wait as they meander slowly across.

THERE IS A BETTER WAY TO HANDLE TURKEYS

I grew up on a tropical island called Sanibel, down in the southwest part of Florida, about 3 miles off the coast.

Birds of all sorts, especially big birds, loved to land in the middle of the road and just stand there, like big arrogant jerks.

Over the years I found that there is really only one way to handle this, and it works for ALL BIRDS.

DO NOT STOP!

Slowing down a little is a good idea.

Just enough to give the bird time to see you and react. If the speed limit is 30 mph then slow to 20.

At first, the bird will play chicken with you. (PUN FULLY INTENDED).

But you're going to win this.

The birds will see that you are not slowing down and it will start to back up. Then, panic will set in. For the bird, not you.

Trust me, they will get out of the way.

Then they will go tell their friends about the major &$#@ that almost ran them over.

You are not being cruel by doing this.

You are not going to hit any Wyoming turkeys.

You will panic them a little, and that's okay.

Like any other animal, their survival instinct will kick in when they see your car coming at them.

Want to make them move faster? Honk your horn!

I've been doing this since I was a teenager with a new driver's license, back on that island.

It worked then, and it works here in Wyoming, too.

On the other hand, KILL THEM! They've been asking for it.

Turkeys are not even indigenous to Wyoming.

They were brought here and set free so some hunters could enjoy hunting them.

But now we are stuck with them. They are in our neighborhoods, and frankly, THEY ARE JUST JERKS!

There is a bit of a turkey shortage this year at the grocery store. I hope you manage to get one. If you don't, don't worry, I can point out where you can find some, easily.

THEY ARE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD AND I NEED YOU TO KILL THEM!

The scene in the photo above, actually fighting off one of these &$#@ attacking a biker at a traffic light. This is not an unusual sight.

A person can't even go for a walk without being charged by at least half a dozen of these little &%$#.

They attack kids, old people, and pets.

I swear all the gobbling they do is actually cussing. 

Look at them attacking this Amazon driver for no good reason.

They poop all over everything. I mean LOTS of poop and that stuff is hard to clean up.

Pardon my $@#&. I hope we don't have any kids reading this.

Now, I know it's illegal to hunt in most neighborhoods... but there are ways around this. I mean, who says you need to use a gun when you have a nice big car to run them over with?

I will gladly loan you my weed eater or any other tool you can find in my garage to have at them.

Actually, I see now why the turkey was eaten on the first Thanksgiving.

It was REVENGE!

Early this year there was a MOB of $%*@ turkeys attacking cars at an intersection.

It all began just before 8 am when I got a note from Jane in Casper Wyoming: "FYI FYI There are about 30 Wild Turkeys All fanned out and acting aggressively to the cars. At Granada and Coffman!"

I know of the herd of turkeys to which she speaks. They are EVIL!

By the way, I call all animal groups a herd. There is no way to keep up with all of the names of all the different animal species. Try looking it up here. You'll get a headache.

Next, I get a panicked note from Jane which made the situation sound worse- it was escalating.

"They are stopping traffic!" Jane wrote, in what seemed to be a panic. I was expecting her to send that they were turning over cars and setting them on fire next.

This herd of turkey is infamous in Casper. They are more like a gang than birds. If they stop your car don't honk at them. They will get very aggressive. I don't speak turkey but it sounds like they are cussing at people when they get angry.

No one minds wildlife wandering their neighborhood. That is part of the fun of living in Wyoming. But no one wants wildlife with attitude.

There are many ways we can handle this. I work for a group of radio stations. We can have a turkey drop like WKRP! There are hunters who would love to have a crack at them.

But since the turkeys are in town they can't use guns. It will have to be hand-to-hand combat.