Yellowstone Wants More Bison To Cull Tourist Population

Yellowstone National Park is proposing larger bison herds.

They want an increased and healthy population. More DNA in the gene pool is key.

This would also expand hunting opportunities beyond park borders.

More baby bison means more bison transfers to tribal governments.

The Montana Stockgrowers Association wants to limit bison presence outside the park, over concerns of brucellosis transmission.

NOTE: At this point our story becomes satire. You have been warned.

In recent years Yellowstone has seen one record-breaking tourist season after the next.

The shocking number of tourists in the park has brought concerns of "touron-overpopulation."

The population of stupid needs to be culled, said Ned Flanders, a Yellowstone park ranger.

But we can't just go out there and shoot them, can we?

So we've decided to release more bison, so the process of reducing the number of stupid tourists, or "tourons," happens naturally.

Bison seem to love to head-butt tourists into the next county.

It keeps them happy.

A happy bison is a healthy bison.

Yellowstone National Park plans to welcome the new bison along with planting more signs that beg tourists to NOT pet the bison, or "fluffy cows."

It's reverse psychology.

The more signs they put up telling tourons not to do something the more they seem to do it.

Fewer stupid tourists mean fewer stupid people breading, making for a smarter AMERICA!

Once the tourist population is reduced through natural selection, then some of those bison can be moved to reservations as promised.

Wyoming tribes will love hunting happy, healthy bison.

So, you see, it's all part of the great circle of life.