Some folks across the West and Midwest woke up to temperatures in the negative double digits.

That means that everybody you know is going to be commenting on the cold today. It would be a great idea to have some one lines to toss at them.

WARNING! - I never said these were good jokes.

I've made a list for you. You're welcome.

1. It’s so cold I chipped a tooth on my soup! - Okay that one sucks. off to a bad start. Sorry.

2. It’s so cold Jack Frost changed his name to Jack Froze. A little better. Just a little.

3. It’s so cold…I have to wave a blow-torch in front of my nose just to have a sneeze.

4. It’s so cold…even the ATM shows minus.

5. It’s so cold . . .the dogs at the greyhound track have to put jumper cables on the rabbits just to get them running! Hmmm.. On second thought forget that joke. Too complicated and lame.


6. It’s so cold . . .Grandpa’s teeth are chattering – in the glass! - OKAY I like that one.

7. It’s so cold . . .we had to stop eating with metal cutlery. Some people walked around for days with spoons or forks stuck to their tongues! -- Okay that one sucked. Forget I offered it.

8. It’s so cold…the anticipation of waiting for my ketchup to come out of the bottle lasted three months. - This one is only funny if you remember that TV commercial. 

9. It’s so cold…you could rob me with a bucket of water right now!!

10. It’s so cold . . .we pulled everything out of the freezer and huddled inside it to warm up!

11. It’s so cold…hitchhikers are holding up pictures of thumbs!

Give me credit for  #9 and #10. Those were good.


12. It’s so cold…we didn’t clean the house, we just defrosted it.

13. It’s so cold…that even the snowmen are wearing sweaters!

14. It’s so cold . . .Starbucks was serving coffee on a stick!

15. It’s so cold . . .the dog sled team needed a jump start. - OH SLAM! YES I like that one. 

16. It’s so cold…chickens are rushing into Kentucky Fried Chicken and begging to use the pressure cooker!

17. It’s so cold… that optometrists are giving away free ice scrapers with eyeglasses.


18. It’s so cold . . .we had to chop up the piano for firewood. But we only got two chords. This one is so BAD it's funny.

19. It’s so cold…the police told a robber to freeze, and he really did.

20. It’s so cold…every kind of cereal in the cupboard is frosted – including the boxes!

21. It’s so cold . . .kids are using a new excuse to stay up late: “But Mom, my pyjamas haven’t thawed out yet!”

22. It’s so cold . . .we have to carry around hammers and chisels so we could get out of our clothes!

23. It’s so cold…refrigerators are redundant. This one is good because it's quick and funny. Just drop that line every chance you get. Trust me it will work.

Sean Gallup, Getty Images
Sean Gallup, Getty Images

24. It’s so cold…our hats have turned into ice caps.

25. It’s so cold…that I’m breathing out snowflakes!

That should be enough to get you through the day. 

Again, you're welcome.

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