You Know You’re A Walmart Freak When…
I've always thought that Walmart needed a viewing gallery.
They have plenty of room where folks could pay a small ticket price and go up to a seating area, snacks for sale, and spend the day watching the Walmart freaks below.
The only problem is that they'll need a bouncer to deal with the daily problem of turning people away that don't know that they, in fact, are among the freaks.
"Sorry, Ma'am. You need to stay down here, with your kind."
Imagine how shocking the news would be when these people find out that they are actually not qualified to sit up in the viewing area.
So, at this point, we must ask the question:
How Do You Know If You Are A Walmart Freak?
I asked my radio show listeners. Here's what they came up with.
- If pajamas are formal wear, you are a Walmart freak.
- You know you are a person of Walmart when you go in with fox ears and a fox tail, and drawn-on whiskers.
- Deodorant is optional.
- You know you’re a Walmart person when you are riding in a scooter, dragging your kid, lying on his belly, acting like he’s flying like Superman.
- Your arch-enemy is Target shoppers.
- You yell across the entire store to communicate with your partner who is shopping in a completely different section!
- Happened today. A woman yelling at her husband using the F word in front of two young children.
- You go in after midnight and everyone looks normal to you.
- You know you're a Walmart person when you've been abducted by aliens more than once.
- Your kid is on a leash and your dog is in the cart.
- You don't need a haircut, your mullet grows naturally.
- You play Marco Polo in the store.
- Bedroom slippers, not shoes.
- When you wear your sister's sports bra backwards.
- You find out running around the store with an Alka-Seltzer tab in my mouth yelling, "the COVID vaccine doesn't work" isn't funny.
- You go to Walmart to pick up dudes - or chicks - or whatever - you don't care anymore.
- WORSE - It's where you met your spouse.
- You actually go to Walmart to shop for a wedding ring.
- Walmart actually called the cops on you.
- Your car has duct tape holding it together.
- So if you match any of the items on this list or something like them, then you will never be allowed in a Walmart viewing area.
- The good news is that Dollar Store shoppers consider you high class.